Front and center business growing pains

​The break-out text is lyrics from "Out Here On My Own” by the late Irene Cara

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
Make believein' is hard alone,
Out here on my own.

I’m having a doctor-heal-thyself moment with my own new solopreneur podcast, Solopreneur Podcasting Tips. It goes a little something like this.

Surprises are abundant
Every day this month I've been recording podcast episodes where I'm trying to convince solopreneurs to let their personalities come out in their podcasts. That's not exactly what I thought the month's over arching theme would be but in retrospect, it's super clear. This doesn't surprise me.

What does surprise me is that the entire time I'm saying this to them I'm hearing to my own inner critic telling me to be more professional in the episode, especially the video element. My bright mic covers, “excessive” laughter, and out there analogies are unprofessional, the voice stresses. I hadn’t planned on showing up as anything other than my natural, somewhat goofy self, so this inner critic confuses me. And it makes me wonder:

Have I been reassuring myself all month that it's okay to be me in my own solopreneur podcast?

We're always provin' who we are,
Always reachin'
For that risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home,
Out here on my own.

Why now?
I feel a bit exposed even having this thought. More so typing it here. Experimenting with MYPE in public during the 30-day episode challenge is not weird for me. I've had a blast putting my stuff out there since I had access to the internet. I share, it's in my DNA. And that's why after an entire adulthood of creating things for general consumption without hesitation I'm confused that my inner critic has been so loud.

When I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Me: front and center is terrifying
Podcasting is one of the few spaces in my life where I’ve felt understood.

That's huge. But it comes with a risk. And a large part of my inner critic this month is worried I'm going to mess that up. I don't care if I embarrass myself, there are many experiments that I've done online that have failed including but not limited to PodTubes, learning Chinese, and this summer's Engagement Bunny. Failure is an integral part of my creative life. It's how I learn and grow.

But I'm not at all comfortable with being a leader of any sort despite the fact that I've turned into a serial community creator. Organizing is easy, but leading is highly uncomfortable.

But I need to claim my work
One of the things I did this month in the messaging for this project was to put myself first, “I'm publishing episodes every day for 30 days….” I opened the episodes with. Later I mentioned the community of folks who would join me for guest episodes. This is all true. Nothing wrong there. But I've been running the GPE Live Chats like we're all equal and I'm just hosting. And, if I’m honest, this has bit me in the ass a few times when I’m passed over for getting credit for things I’ve done.

My old therapist Matthew, may he rest in peace, used to say that we repeat bad habits until the pain is worse than the consequence. My bad habit is sharing too much credit for things I've done. Well, it was more painful to NOT get credit than to be uncomfortable being front and center as a leader of my own project. So this careful ME and then us messaging was my attempt to force myself into the leadership role I already had. And had created.

Until the morning sun appears
Making light
Of all my fears,
I dry the tears
I've never shown,
Out here on my own.

Discomfort
In a recent interview with Jana in the Access Ideas podcast, I mentioned us as a modern population being too comfortable that we are not used to the discomfort of being around people we don't like as much anymore. We didn't use to have a choice. Now we do and we block people out too soon sometimes over little things. I've gotten better at this discomfort but the leadership one, that one's still on my to-do list. So this month was a leadership challenge of sorts. It stings like a fresh scrape on my knee but I’m not covering it with a band-aid. It will heal faster exposed to the elements, right?

But when I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby, belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Growth hurts AND feels goodSo what I'm saying is that there's a lot of catharses that happens during a rapid, 30-day challenge. And this sitting in this I did it/I am doing it discomfort was a large part of mine.

There are all sorts of workflow, new tech tools, sponsorship, and other lessons I've learned as well, of course. But those are cerebral and I really wanted to share this emotional one with you because it’s far harder than anything thinky to work through. I think that’s true in business in general, isn’t it? The spreadsheets and processes can become habits way sooner than the mental and emotional hang-ups. Our emotional hang-ups.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
I may not win,
But I can't be thrown,
Out here on my own,
Out here on my own.
​
Song Note: The singer Irene Cara passed away recently. She was most well known for the theme song to the movie Fame from 1980. My favorite song of hers and one that helped me push through some serious introspective moments aince i was a chil in the 80’s is Out Here On My Own. We are so lucky to have had her in this world. Thank you, Irene.